I'm going to try and make some of this to be an analysis and not so much judgemental because bottom line is, I still have a lot to learn. But most of this will most likely seem like frustration and immature jealousy on my part. But I will also try to make it into positive. So I've always thought that generally people choose the people around them by their character and self values. You choose your friends but you can't choose your family. If one or more of your family members are criminals, mischievous or tends to make selfish choices, in the end they remain your family and you can't rid yourself of them. Family is family. But if these characteristics were that of friends, then the obvious choice is to rid yourself of them and stick around with positive friends. But what I've experienced over the past couple of years is that none of that actually really matters. Basically what it comes down to is, FAMILY. I don't mean just blood family, what I mean is those who people love so much that they are family to them and in the end they overlook or don't even acknowledge their wrong doings and moral. I've always tried making the right choices for myself and for my friends. I've done things for my (immediate) friends and have always been there for them but my generosity and heart rarely goes to be recognized or thanked. Saying that makes it sound like I only help to get the recognition, but its not that. Its just frustrating to witness those who I've given my time and effort to always flaunt about their relationships with others. Then I realized that its not how many nice things I do for them or how nice a person I am to them. When it came down to it, those friends of mine that express their love for those people do so because they love them as family, no matter if they did as many things as I've done for them or not (which I don't really know) or whether some of their choices and actions are wrong or not compared to my own. I guess the thing that bothers me is the level of expression. For the people who are close to me, I seem to always see them express their level of closeness to other people and I think to myself "Wow, what about the things I've done for you? Where's the love for me?" And it also frustrates the hell out of me to see nice guys like me get swept under the rug while weed-smoking, rude, not giving a sh*t type of guys get so much love from my own friends. That's the thing about these online social networks is that its been killing me like this. My father is still on my ass about being a nice human being. He's bashing me about how it'll be my downfall and that I'm stupid for putting others' needs before my own. He's always sharing his past with me about how he too was an honest and good-hearted man, but in the end those he helped ended up screwing him or throwing him under the bus. I understand his frustration and can relate to his situations, but I can't stand the fact that he wants me to be someone I'm not. Its like he's trying to teach me to become a selfish person and look out for only myself. If I were younger I would probably be influenced by this, but luckily I've always taught myself to be selfless and honest from a young age. Looking at this situation and my friendships, I'm gonna try to make some lessons: 1.) Recognizing the reasons that frustrate me about my friendships. Its basically how I view myself among my friends and I always put myself down. Future goal is to stop that sh*t. 2.) So basically I know that I shouldn't be comparing myself to friends of friends. If I keep doing that then I'll just end up killing myself out of frustration. 3.) STOP GOING ON FB SO MUCH! Its meant to be fun, not addicting.. 4.) Understanding the trivial aspects of my worries and focus on what really matters to me. STICKING TO FREERUNNING & SEARCH AND RESCUE! All right so this and many other of my entries are always so depressing. Next entry will definitely be more cheerful!! | 
